Monday, May 22, 2006
Create your own Stop the ACLU post!
If you have yet to visit this site’s inspiration, Stop the ACLU, I suggest you do so pronto. Their right-wing rants are sweet, sweet music. Stop the ACLU features a rare blend of anger, self-righteousness, stubbornness, lack of noun-verb number agreement, and generally poor writing. If you’d like a lesson in how not to engage in a political debate, then this is the site for you.
As an exercise in walking a mile in the other guy’s shoes, I thought it might be helpful to provide a step-by-step guide to creating your very own Stop the ACLU post! Let’s get to it!
- Find a topic about which you would like to rant. Anything about church and state, homosexuals, or abortion will work, but if you’d like to change it up a bit, Muslim-bashing is workable. If there aren’t any Muslims to pick on, anyone with darker skin will do.
- Find an article to link to. Since the mainstream media -- the "MSM" if you’re in the know -- are nothing but a bunch of evil pawns of the Communist Party, instead check out WorldNetDaily or Michelle Malkin. If you really want to go the unbiased route, FOX News will probably have something for you. The content of the article isn’t that important in the end.
- Now it’s time to get pissed off. You can’t rant unless you’re angry, but not so angry as to offend old people who most likely agree with you. Look at pictures of aborted fetuses; watch a video of Cindy Sheehan at an anti-war protest; do whatever you have to to get the juices flowing.
- Begin writing the post by making a sweeping indictment of liberals, and say something about how they’re attacking you and your values yet again. [Note: The phrase “yet again” is your new best friend. It paints you as the constant victim!]
- Pick a random passage from the article you found and stick it in a block quote with an American flag background.
- Make another sweeping indictment of liberals.
- Another block quote with an American flag background.
- [This is the most important step.] Whether or not the ACLU is involved with the case in question, implicate the ACLU. If you can’t find a quote from an actual ACLU representative, conjecture will work just fine. Assume you know exactly what the entirety of the ACLU would think about the issue, and then attribute that to the ACLU.
- Talk about how this case demonstrates that the ACLU is ruining
. Use at least two of the following phrases: the myth of separation of church and state, godless Communists, the murder of unborn children, Roger Baldwin was a Communist, activist judges, legislating from the bench, national security, fighting terror, religious expression, our troops, gay agenda, indoctrination, anti-faith, Muslim extremists/Islamofascists, America’s number one religious censor, the ACLU defended NAMBLA. America
- Wrap it up by quoting Michelle Malkin.
In the event that you receive comments from detractors, follow these steps in formulating a response:
- Come up with a pun on the commenter’s name – the stupider the better.
- Ignore any facts that the commenter brought up.
- Dismiss the commenter as an ignorant liberal.
- Make fun of the commenter for having a college education.
- (See step 8 above.)
- (See step 9 above.)
Here’s your assignment: Using the guidelines above, create your own Stop the ACLU post, add it to the comments section or provide a link to it on another site, then take a shower. Whoever comes up with the best post wins a Bible, a copy of Of Pandas and People, and a Support our Troops bumper sticker.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
A Vox upon you
I spotted this on C&L earlier tonight. I took one for the team and read the whole thing so you don't have to. Please don't read it. The only reason you should click on that link is to peep this man's reverse-Costanza hairstyle. I try so hard not to comment on otherwise meaningless things like fashion, but in this case I just can't let it slide.
I also can't let that name slide, either. Vox Day. Vox. Day. It's pseudo-Latin, I guess. "Vox" means "voice," of course, but "Day" is a little more difficult to translate, since there's no Y in the original Latin alphabet. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it simply means "day," and I'll even let him apply the genitive case to it. So he calls himself "Voice of the Day." A little silly, yes, but it's his name. However, there exists another possibility. Perhaps his pseudonym is a not-so-subtle allusion to the phrase "vox dei," which means "the voice of God." I certainly wouldn't put it past him, but I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
A little more information about Mr. Day is provided at the end of the column, informing the reader that Vox is, among other things, a member of Mensa, which instantly loses him points in my book. Members of Mensa have two things in common: 1) They have very high IQs, and 2) They like to tell people about their very high IQs. One typically joins Mensa by paying the Mensa organization to test him. If his IQ is deemed high enough, he may then join Mensa, pay Mensa an annual fee, and tell people that he is a member of Mensa. As far as worthwhile things go, this is right up there ceiling-watching. It's also fun to note that "mensa" means the following things in different languages: table (Latin), jerk (Latin-American Spanish slang), stupid (Spanish slang), canteen (Italian & German), and menstruation (Swedish, approximately). What I'm trying to say is that it takes a special kind of asshole to join Mensa, and an even more special asshole to append every one of his WND columns with a notice to his readers that he is, in fact, a genius. The strikes are piling up pretty quickly, Vox.
But let's get down to the column in question. I've never read this guy's stuff before, because I only visit WorldNetDaily maybe once a month by accident. WND is basically FOX News without the veil of fair-n-balancedness, which I suppose is better in some ways. WND's ridiculousness is readily apparent to the outsider, and Vox Day is certainly no exception.
This particular piece concerns itself with the issue du jour, immigration reform. Mr. Day is among those on the right who are so adamant about hermetically sealing the US-Mexico border and launching illegal immigrants back to Mexico with a giant catapult that they're turning on President Bush, dubbed "Dear Jorge" by Mr. Day. Of course they're overreacting, but if someone wants to turn on GWB, I won't stand in his way. (I might even surreptitiously encourage him.)
Mr. Day's major beef with the Prez is W's claim that rounding up and booting the 12,000,000 or so illegal immigrants in the US isn't feasible. Vox claims otherwise, arguing that a massive deportation wouldn't be hard at all. Perhaps if he would clarify his argument - with an analogy, perhaps.
Obliging, Mr. Day writes:
Not only will [a massive deportation] work, but one can easily estimate how long it would take. If it took the Germans less than four years to rid themselves of 6 million Jews, many of whom spoke German and were fully integrated into German society, it couldn't possibly take more than eight years to deport 12 million illegal aliens, many of whom don't speak English and are not integrated into American society.
Please give me a moment to pick my jaw up off the floor and stop blinking in disbelief before I continue.Wow, Vox. The Holocaust, huh? You racked your Mensa mind for something to compare to the deportation of 12,000,000 people who snuck across an imaginary line in the dirt, and you came up with the Holocaust. Not just any old holocaust, but the Holocaust. The capital-H Holocaust. Should we try to find some of the Fuhrer's DNA, clone him, and see if he wants to help us out?
I won't even go on refuting the other nonsense in this column. I can't go on. All I'll say is that I think Vox Day needs some extensive analogy training before he should be allowed to write again. Maybe we need to institute some sort of analogy license that allows only registered members to use analogies when they write. Rule No. 1: Don't fucking compare anything to the Holocaust unless it involves 6,000,000 innocent people being slaughtered!
Alright, alright. I've gone on for too long. I hate calling people out like this and ripping them apart, but I felt the need in this case. I do hope you'll understand.
Friday, May 12, 2006
QWEST - A one-act , one-scene drama, with apologies to Billy Shakes
NSA's dead buddy's angry son
Act I - Scene 1
Washington. A bunker 500 feet below a D Street Burger King.
NSA at the far end of a long table. Enter AT&T, BELLSOUTH, VERIZON, and QWEST
Hi, everyone. Thanks for joining me. Have a Danish. We'll cut right to the chase. We're going to need your records of every call ever placed by any person who has ever touched a telephone in the United States. Ever.
Freedom, War on Terror, al-Qaeda, national security, yadda yadda yadda. Did I mention freedom?
Sounds good! Here ya go!
Glad to help! Anything else you need? Credit card numbers? Incriminating photographs?
Wait a minute. What about our customers' privacy?
Ha-ha-ha! You're too much, AT&T!
I almost had you! You almost fell for it!
You old dog. I thought we were gonna have to break you up again! Ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha! Of course you can have our records!
So anyway, do you have a warrant?
A warrant. A judicial writ authorizing an officer to make a search, seizure, or arrest or to execute a judgment.
Ha-ha-ha! Don't you start now, you kidder.
No, seriously. Do you have a warrant?
Of course not! Why would we need a warrant? What are you getting at?
I just think that if you want us to violate our customers' trust and privacy you should do it legally and get a warrant.
Settle down, Qwest. It's not like --
Shut up, fatty.
Look, Qwest. We only want the numbers. We're not even going to look at them. We're just going to run 'em through the old IBM and see if any terrorists come up. It's a very small, limited program that involves only every American who has ever used a phone. What's the big deal? You don't support the terrorists, do you?
Huh? Did you just --
Did someone say "terrorist?" My father was killed by a terrorist! Did you kill my father?
What? No! All I said was --
I'd hate to see you lose lucrative government contracts. That would be an awful shame. Besides, the president said there's nothing to worry about. Are you calling the president a liar?
No! Of course I'm not!
Enter Capt. Rational
Who let you in here?
Exit Capt. Rational
I demand retribution!
Who the hell are you?
I represent angry conservatives who would sacrifice any civil liberty that the president asks us to so long as his request is preceded by the words "freedom," "terror," and "security."
Are you guys gonna fight or what?
Laertes charges Qwest. They fight. Qwest and Laertes are mortally wounded
Sorry, man. I didn't think it would come to this.
I forgive you. Still, this is some serious bullshit.
Laertes dies. Enter Horatio
What the fuck just happened here?
Well, that guy called me a terrorist, and then that other guy tried to kill me, but he died in the process, and now I'm about to die too. This is the price of freedom... or something like that.
This shit is really fucked up. I'd rather die than live here anymore. Got any poison?
No, don't do that. Spread the word; make things better! You know: Be the voice of reason!
That's a real pity, isn't it?
I thought you were supposed to die, too.
You'd think so, but there's no stopping the NSA. Besides, this is a really bad parody and we don't need to follow the rules. You guys didn't even do the skull bit.
You're a real asshole, you know that? You'll get yours.
I doubt it.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Silly scientists... when will they learn
Sunday, May 07, 2006
No dildoes? I’ve got a better idea
When I hear about this stuff, most of me would like nothing better than to slap conservative fundamentalist America right across the face and demand that it get ahold of itself and maybe ask it to spend a little more time fighting for things Jesus would actually have cared about.
But that’s not very helpful, is it? That won’t win me any friends.
Instead, I’d like to invite everyone to play a little game with me. It’s called The Analogy Game, and the rules are very simple. I come up with an analogy and you try to poke holes in it. Tell me how it’s different from the situation at hand. If the only difference you come up with is, “Your religion is wrong while mine is correct,” you lose.
For generations, my family has taught that it is morally wrong to desecrate the human body. Everywhere I look, I see my country being taken over by people who abuse their bodies, and today I am here to tell you that I won’t stand for it anymore. I have identified the real enemy and I hope you will join me in the battle against it.
I am speaking, of course, of butter.
Oh, yes. Butter.
It clogs our nations arteries, spreads (heart) disease, and most importantly, has no redeeming nutritional value. To consume butter is to spit in the eye of the Lord. It is irresponsible and disrespectful, not to mention personally offensive to me.
Sure, butter tastes good, just like getting high on drugs feels good. If we lived our lives according to the pleasures of the flesh, where would be as a society? No one would invent anything or build any schools, let alone form democratic governments. No sir, we’d all be lying around in bathhouses, full of crystal meth and strawberry-flavored personal lubricant and socialist French pastries.
But butter is everywhere nowadays: on television, in restaurants, at the grocery store near the milk, even in my children’s schools. What do I tell my child when she comes home from dinner at a friend’s house and says, “Mommy, mommy, what was that big yellow block on the table at Susie’s house, and why was Susie’s family eating it?”
Not only is it wrong for me to eat butter, it’s wrong for you, too. I will not have my tax dollars going to support farm subsidies that in turn support the The Fat Agenda. And I don’t want you small farmers peddling your wares in my state, either, encouraging others to violate the sanctity of their God-given flesh.
Thank you for your support.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Death to the death penalty
Monday, May 01, 2006
Calm the fuck down
If you'd like to have a calm, rational discussion about something that really matters, I'm all ears, but if you're going to go all O'Reilly on me, please stay away.
Here are a few examples of things I really don't want to hear about anymore:
- Illegal Immigrants - Let's look at this one logically. 1) Illegal immigrants will behave like perfect little angels, because they know if they get caught doing anything untoward, they'll be deported. 2) They really do perform the jobs that the rest of us don't want to do, and they do them well. Plus, smart economists say they're doing good for the nation as a whole. 3) Singing the national anthem in Spanish is not as heinous as eating a baby. Since when is honoring America in song - in any language - unpatriotic? 4) Are things really that good for illegal immigrants? | It's like this: The worst illegal immigrants are doing is putting a little stress on the public school system and evading taxes, but when they're making $2.00/hour and their children are getting a free education at our expense, I'm willing to look the other way. Yeah, the rule of law is great, but let's not go all Draco on 'em. Just go about your business and let them go about theirs.
- Terri Schiavo - This story is a little old, but Terri's case is the best possible example of overreacting to something that is essentially meaningless. Here we had a woman who was mostly dead for 10 years and a family arguing over whether or not to finish the deal. I'm sure it was a grueling ordeal for the family, but why should the rest of us care? It should have been handled privately. We really didn't need FOX, CNN, and MSNBC giving up-to-the-minute Terri updates or bloggers to this day plastering "Remember Terri" banners on their sites or Jesse Jackson showing up in front of her hospice. You know that once Jesse Jackson becomes involved it's overkill.
- Commies - I honestly thought we were well past the days when we viewed Communists as P.E.'s No. 1, but all my friends at Stop the ACLU have proven otherwise. Communists are no longer out to destroy America, and there are maybe 12 or 13 of them left in the country. They're as harmless as a cuddly kitten. If Communists attempt a violent overthrow of the government and actually pose a real threat and I'm proven wrong, I'll give every American citizen $37 billion.
- The Duke Rape - Since so many cases of rape go unreported, it's difficult to get an accurate number of them that occur every year, but suffice it to say it's in the thousands - probably the hundreds of thousands. Whatever the number is, it's bigger than one. Why don't they all get the kind of coverage the Duke Rape has gotten? For one thing there aren't nearly enough minutes in a year. For another, not all rapes are committed by lacrosse players at prestigious East Coast universities. But since when do we care about lacrosse players at prestigious East Coast universities? This one has me stumped.
- Darfur - We expect the world to stop spinning when 3,000 Americans are killed by terrorists, but when 400,000 Sudanese are slaughtered by their own government, we just kind of shrug. Should we always leave it up to George Clooney and Bono to bring important issues to our attention?
- AIDS in Africa - See above/previous post.
- Iraq - Sure it gets a lot of attention, but I don't think we're getting a clear picture of how poorly things are going there. Little help?
- Osama bin Laden - Remember when this guy attacked America five years ago and then G.W. said he was personally gonna smoke him out of his hole and wring his neck on primetime television? Neither does he.