Don't Stop the ACLU

Sunday, May 07, 2006

No dildoes? I’ve got a better idea

Who wakes up in the morning and says, “You know what would really make the world a better place? If we could stop people from having orgasms. Even married people who love having babies.” More importantly, who replies, “By God, I think you’re onto something!” How do initiatives like this gain momentum? How are they taking up precious time in state legislatures, where elected officials could instead be discussing how best to feed America’s hungry children? Are we going to outlaw hands next, just to make sure nobody is using them for prurient purposes? Lips?

When I hear about this stuff, most of me would like nothing better than to slap conservative fundamentalist America right across the face and demand that it get ahold of itself and maybe ask it to spend a little more time fighting for things Jesus would actually have cared about.

But that’s not very helpful, is it? That won’t win me any friends.

Instead, I’d like to invite everyone to play a little game with me. It’s called The Analogy Game, and the rules are very simple. I come up with an analogy and you try to poke holes in it. Tell me how it’s different from the situation at hand. If the only difference you come up with is, “Your religion is wrong while mine is correct,” you lose.

For generations, my family has taught that it is morally wrong to desecrate the human body. Everywhere I look, I see my country being taken over by people who abuse their bodies, and today I am here to tell you that I won’t stand for it anymore. I have identified the real enemy and I hope you will join me in the battle against it.

I am speaking, of course, of butter.

Oh, yes. Butter.

It clogs our nations arteries, spreads (heart) disease, and most importantly, has no redeeming nutritional value. To consume butter is to spit in the eye of the Lord. It is irresponsible and disrespectful, not to mention personally offensive to me.

Sure, butter tastes good, just like getting high on drugs feels good. If we lived our lives according to the pleasures of the flesh, where would be as a society? No one would invent anything or build any schools, let alone form democratic governments. No sir, we’d all be lying around in bathhouses, full of crystal meth and strawberry-flavored personal lubricant and socialist French pastries.

But butter is everywhere nowadays: on television, in restaurants, at the grocery store near the milk, even in my children’s schools. What do I tell my child when she comes home from dinner at a friend’s house and says, “Mommy, mommy, what was that big yellow block on the table at Susie’s house, and why was Susie’s family eating it?”

Not only is it wrong for me to eat butter, it’s wrong for you, too. I will not have my tax dollars going to support farm subsidies that in turn support the The Fat Agenda. And I don’t want you small farmers peddling your wares in my state, either, encouraging others to violate the sanctity of their God-given flesh.

Thank you for your support.
posted by Maven Swift at 1:23 PM


Blogger Quaker Orts said...

Actually butter is quite good for you. It's certainly better than margarine. If it's organic, and the cows are grass-fed and free range, then it's even better for you. Margarine, with it's hydrogenated soybean oil and long list of man-made ingredients, inflames your arteries, which is the first step in arteriosclerosis.

May 08, 2006 6:45 PM  
Blogger Maven Swift said...

It's full of saturated fat, QO, and lacking in vitamins, but we'll put that aside for now.

I could go on and on about the health benefits of orgasms, but that wouldn't help my argument any. The point is that it doesn't matter whether or not something is good for you when a group of people is convinced God doesn't want you to have it -- the operative word there being *you*.

Devoutly religious people have been depriving themselves of things for thousands of years, and that's fine with me, but I do have a problem with devoutly religious people who would make laws depriving others of those things in the name of God. That's not how we do things in a free society, especially not *this* free society, among whose founding principles was the separation of government from religion.

May 09, 2006 11:55 AM  

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