Don't Stop the ACLU

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

6/6/06, To Hell and Back

"Woe to you, oh Earth and sea,
For the Devil sends the beast with wrath,
Because he knows the time is short.
Let him who hath understanding
Reckon the number of the beast,
For it is a human number.
Its number is six hundred and sixty-six."

--Iron Maiden (or maybe it's the Bible, depending on whom you ask)

Yesterday, June 6, 2006, was a day of great significance in our culture... or something. It was somewhere between a regular day and a holiday... or something. I don't know what it was, really. Actually, I think it was nothing, but no matter: Thousands of people turned up in the tiny, tiny hamlet of Hell, Michigan, to celebrate whatever it was we were celebrating. The city of Hell literally consists of three buildings: a liquor store, an ice cream shop, and a bar. Population: 72. That's it. So what drew 10,000 people to the middle of nowhere? Shit, I don't know. I was there to observe, and here's what I found.

This sign is on the side of Screams, the ice cream parlor. I think the little devil pictured is 75% retarded.

An interesting take on the such-and-such place is over there sign.

A view from the parking lot of the Dam Site Inn. "Damn Site" would be a much cooler name, but they went with "Dam Site," because, well, there's a dam right behind it.

About 50% of the attendees were bikers from various biker clubs/gangs. Another 25% were Goth teenagers, and the remaining 25% were regular old families from the suburbs and business types from Ann Arbor and Detroit.

Oh, and this guy. Of the three preachers I encountered in Hell, he was by far the nicest, but that's not saying much. He was a dick to be sure, but at least he didn't tell me I was going to the other Hell (the one with all the fire!).

Another Christian gentleman posed this question. I chose a combination of B and C.

The dorkiest bunch of atheists I've ever encountered. Still, wherever the Christian guys went, the atheists stood in front of them and unfurled their banner, which was quite amusing. The entire time I never heard a single one of them speak.

Moses was hangin' with the atheists! And he brought his video camera!

Can you find the Christians in this picture? (Hint: There are two of them.)

If you're going to rename Portage Creek, call it the River Styx, for chrissakes!

Two of the four horses of the Apocalypse. (Not pictured: the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.)

This poor unfortunate child was run over by a hearse. Oh well.

Speaking of hearses, the Hell, Michigan, Hearse Club was in town!

The ghost of Elvis made an appearance and performed AC/DC songs on an acoustic guitar. Surprisingly, he was pretty good.

I'm not sure what this guy was supposed to be. I think he might be a long lost member of GWAR.

There's a churchy kinda thing in Hell! It's about the size of a closet, and there's nothing inside. I heard they were going to host a few weddings there later in the day, but I didn't stick around for that.

Right after I took this picture, this little dude was sacrificed to Satan, and we drank of his blood. It was very refreshing, and it was free! Can you believe they wanted $8 for a bottle of baby's blood?

This gentleman and his assistants were by far the highlight of my day in Hell. He spewed the most magnificent venom at everyone in the crowd. He pointed out individuals who were drinking beer, smoking, or just standing there and told each and every one of them that they were going to burn in Hell for eternity. What a nice fellow. Shit, I'm a better Christian than this guy, and I'm not even a Christian. (I got a little video of this guy, and once I get around to firing up Premiere, I'll edit it and post it to YouTube.)

The man's wife, standing idly by holding a Bible and watching the couple's infant child (good luck in life, kid), looked bored with the whole thing, but she would later prove me wrong on that account.

An angry biker chick gets all up in his face, much to the delight of the crowd. It was impossible to hear what she was saying over Dickhead's bullhorn, but it was amusing nonetheless.

The fellow in the orange Tennessee hat, while likely drunk, provided some biting commentary without even opening his mouth. He started by standing about two feet in front of the bullhorn and feigning interest.

He stepped it up by spending several minutes walking in circles around the loudmouth, never once cracking a smile.

Finally Mrs. Dickhead took over, and her hatred was far more potent. Not only did she say we were all going to Hell, she also said that God hated us. Paraphrasing: "The Bible doesn't say anything about God loving you. If you live in sin, you hate God, and God hates you." That's not what I learned in church as a kid, but if you say so... (Note the young man in the hat at far left talking to Dickhead. As Dickhead told us later, the young man tried to reason with him by explaining that he was a Christian himself. Dickhead wasn't buying it, however. He said the man was a fake Christian and that he was going to Hell for drinking beer.)

Finally, this wacky old man summed up how everyone felt about the whole deal.
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 3:38 AM


Blogger John said...

Cool, thanks!

June 08, 2006 1:17 AM  
Blogger AShiningCity said...

Great pictures!

I am a devout Catholic but I certainly respect your right to choose to believe or not believe anything you want.

These type of folks (always angry and carrying huge banners and signs) came to my college campus a few years ago too.

I tried reasoning with them... but that didn't work very well. I was going to hell as well in their book.

Anyhow, despite the fact that I may disagree with you on many different issues, I appreciate your stand for polite rational debate.

Best of luck with blogging!

July 25, 2006 5:22 PM  

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