Don't Stop the ACLU

Friday, June 02, 2006

Marketing the Messiah


Marketing has become a lot more sophisticated since the days when Jesus roamed the Holy Land. The Man Himself did it with a pair of sandals, a smock, and a soothing, fatherly tenor. If only modern-day Christians would stick to that method, we'd be a whole lot better off... or at least a lot less annoyed. Now they've got their mitts on everything: the Internet, the movies, video games, minor league sports pre-game festivities. It seems that nothing is off-limits to them. The good thing about all that crap is we can avoid it if we so choose. We can visit other sites, watch other movies, play other video games, and not go to Hicksville Hicks football games.

But if there's one bit of proselytizing that we can't avoid, it's those goddamn GodSpeaks billboards. You know the ones we're talking about -- the stark white-on-black one-liners straight from the lips of the almighty. They first appeared in 1998 and have been fixtures on U.S. highways and freeways ever since, and a whole new wave of billboards appeared just last year. There are now over 10,000 of them nationwide, and you can't drive 50 miles without seeing one. The days when we could take a nice drive along the interstate with some great tunes and a pack of smokes without having religion forced down our throats are over.

We've always dreamt of posting our own billboards 50 yards down the road, telling the people the real story. Since we lack the millions of dollars that that would require, we'll just have to post our reponses to the inane God-quotes right here.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.

Maybe if you had free beer and Doritos and HDTV I would, but all you have to offer is bad music, preaching, and uncomfortable chairs.

C'mon over and bring the kids.

I'd sooner have my kids watch porn and smoke freebase with Ice T than take them to your place.

What part of "Thou shalt not..." didn't you understand?

What part of "Rhetorical questions don't win arguments..." didn't you understand?

We need to talk.

Sure! Gimme a call sometime. You should know my number. Just don't call before noon, because I like to sleep in.

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.

That sounds like an idle parent threat. Goddamnit!

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.

I don't recall inviting you to my wedding, and according to my state's constitution, I'm not allowed to marry you.

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant that.

You mean like protesting at soldiers' funerals and blaming feminists and gays for terrorist attacks? If so, hot damn!

I love you... I love you... I love you.

I heard that one before, but then he left me for that chick in the Whitesnake video.

Will the road you're on get you to my place?

You tell me. I just saw a sign that said "SLOW CHILDREN AHEAD."

Follow me.

That's what the Pied Piper said to those kids, and look how that turned out.

Need directions?

Actually I printed one out on Google Maps, but thanks for the offer.

You think it's hot here?

No, why, did you want to put the AC on?

Tell the kids I love them.

Three words: John. Wayne. Gacy.

Need a marriage counselor? I'm available.

The lady down at the clinic only charges $25 an hour. Can you get under that?

Have you read my #1 best seller? (There will be a test.)

I didn't read the book, but the movie was pretty good. But what's with that mullet? Am I right?

Do you have any idea where you're going?

Jesus Christ, man! Don't you listen? I just told you I have a Google map!

Big Bang Theory, you've got to be kidding.

Is that why Stephen Hawking is in a wheelchair?

My way is the highway.

Tar and reflective paint. If that's not godly, I don't know what is.

I love you…Te amo…I love you

Je ne parle pas d'anglais, d'espagnol, ou de chinois.

As my apprentice, you're never fired.

Except if I'm gay or I use birth control, right?

One nation under me.

You've really let yourself go, haven't you?

All I know is... everything.

I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 666...

If you must curse, use your own name!

Can't I just say "cuntrag" instead?

Life is short. Eternity isn't.

I could be wrong, but I think Nike has a trademark on that line.

It's a small world. I know... I made it.

What the fuck does that even mean?

The real Supreme Court meets up here.

You mean you have a tripartite system of government complete with checks to your executive power? Holy shit!

Feeling lost? My book is your map.

What page is Canada on? I wanna see the pointy tower!

posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 9:49 PM

2 Comments:

Anonymous Randall Bott said...

I hate those signs too. Your post was hilarious.

Every time I see one of those signs I think of something snarky. Just leave me alone. I don't push my views on anyone else.

June 03, 2006 12:09 PM  
Blogger Alan Kellogg said...

Sorry, but I like the "love your neighbor" bit. Makes for a more peaceful neighborhood, as long as you don't carry it too far.

Robert Heinlein: There's only one real way to comfort a widow, but you'd better be willing to accept the consequences.

June 03, 2006 7:40 PM  

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