Don't Stop the ACLU

Monday, June 19, 2006

An open letter to Gribbit

My Dearest Chum,

Would that I could leave my reply as a comment on your weblog, but as you well know, my compatriots and I abused said privilege to such an extent that you were forced to deny it forthwith. Please accept my profoundest, most heartfelt apologies for forcing you into such an unenviable position.

I also wish to extend my apologies in re my absence at the skirmish you scheduled for six o'clock post meridiem, the seventeenth of June, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand and six at Public Square in the noble hamlet of Cleveland, Ohio. I beg your forgiveness and wish to offer you a full explanation for my absence. You see, my fidus Achates, for the following reasons I was unable to attend our soirée:
  1. Since the age of eight I have been confined to a wheelchair, after my legs were so selfishly taken by a man operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol.
  2. Furthermore, I lost the use of my arms to the palsy at the age of thirteen.
  3. Furthermore, I lost the remainder of my voluntary muscle functions to a nasty bout with the amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. I type this letter to you only with the aid of a NASA-designed computer that I control with concentrated bursts of air from my mouth through a specialized tube, which then converts the bursts to electrical signals.
  4. The body of my beloved ten-year-old niece, Tabitha, is riddled with the cancer from brain to foot, and in the evening I sit at her bedside at St. Jude Children's Hospital and comfort her during her remaining weeks. A mere smile on that courageous girl's face is enough to light a million stars for a million years; that is how special she is.
  5. My local pub offers two-for-one pitchers of ale on Saturday evenings between the hours of five o'clock and seven o'clock.
  6. My sister Karen, Tabitha's grieving mother, finally succumbed to the agony of watching her firstborn suffer, and she hanged herself with a garden hose from the limb of a weeping willow. A lesser man would call that ironic.
  7. The United States was competing against Italy in the World Cup football tournament. The match lasted until five o'clock, which rendered it impossible for me to travel to Cleveland in time for our scheduled meeting.
  8. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ, made it very clear how he feels about senseless violence. To engage in combat with you would run counter to all that I hold dear.
  9. My lovely wife, Sharon, had her twenty-seventh abortion - some parts of me still work, if you catch my drift! - on Saturday evening, and as I had been for the first twenty-six, I was at her side for the procedure. As much as I would love to have children of my own, my physical condition prevents me from supporting them.
  10. I had a terrible case of diarrhea.
Again, I hope you will forgive me my absence and understand that were it not for extenuating circumstances, I would have been in Cleveland at the appointed time. I certainly hope you enjoyed your steak.

Yours in Christ,

Capt. Mortimer T. Rational XXXIV
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 1:55 AM

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