Don't Stop the ACLU

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The will of the people

Hey, kids! It’s time for yet another thrill-packed round of THE ANALOGY GAME. Today’s starting point? Comment #16. Especially the part that goes, “…no homosexual is having his rights trampled on. They can marry just like heteros. Its [sic] just that they have to marry women, not men.”

Oh, snap! Let’s see if that statement can withstand the awesome power of the analogy.

Ready? Here goes:

Like many red-blooded patriots, I dislike affording special rights to whiny minority populations.

I’m looking at you, lifelong wheelchair users.

Why don’t you just walk? You have legs, and you’ve never injured them even once. You expect me to believe you couldn’t go for a stroll on those pristine legs of yours if you really wanted to? I was born at night, cousin, but not last night. I know a pair of legs when I see one, and unlike those fucking godless lunatics who study the biological sciences, I will not coddle or encourage you.

Walking is excellent for your health, and a sedentary lifestyle has been shown to increase one’s risk for diseases of all kinds. You are depriving yourself (and those who would emulate you) of the God-given right to good health and should therefore be discouraged and dismissed as often as possible.

Which is exactly why I am circulating this petition to ban all wheelchair ramps on public buildings and halt construction of elevators in buildings that only have stairs.

Hey, listen, I’m a good American and I believe in equality, so I hope once you stop whining about not having gotten your way, you’ll realize I did this for the greater good. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy activities on the upper levels of elevatorless buildings. Go to the opera and sit in the balcony. Please, I want you to enjoy all the same freedoms I do, because that’s what our Founding Fathers risked their lives for.

But you’re just going to have to learn to use the stairs like everyone else.
posted by Maven Swift at 11:11 PM


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