Don't Stop the ACLU

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Y2Gay: a prophesy in one act by Maven Swift and Captain Rational

Dramatis Personae:

ANTHONY ROMERO — president of the United States of America

KIRK CAMERON — evangelist, former child actor

FRED PHELPS — preacher, bigot

Year 2015. Pres. Romero seated at desk in Oval Office

ROMERO (into TV camera): My fellow Americans, it is with great pleasure that I announce the ratification of the Equal Right to Marriage Amendment of 2015, which guarantees the right to marry for every American who has reached the age of majority, regardless of race, creed, and yes, even sexual orientation. This event marks the end of a long road to equality on which myself and many of my fellow Americans have traveled for so many years. In order to celebrate this momentous occasion, I and several of my homosexual brethren will be wed tonight in a ceremony at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, presided over by Pope Ellen I. To the love of my life, Raoul Garcia-Marquez: We did it, baby! May the god or gods in which you believe continue to bless America, or, if you do not believe in a higher power, may you find the strength within yourself to constantly strive toward the betterment of mankind.

Year 2020. A bunker two miles below a church in Topeka, Kansas. Phelps sits at a Formica table beneath a bare light bulb

PHELPS (into phone): Kirk? Kirk, are you there?

VOICE (KIRK, through receiver): I’m here, Fred.

PHELPS: Oh, thank goodness you’re still alive. Listen, I’m really sorry you didn’t make it to the bunker in time, but we had to seal the doors. We were afraid the faggoty air would scorch our godly lungs. I know it’s been a while, but it’s taken this long to get the phones up and running. How’re you holding up out there?

KIRK: Um, I’m actually doing alright. Chelsea and I are taking the grandkids to see Alcatraz today. Chels says hello.

PHELPS: Grandkids?! How is that possible?

KIRK: Uh, they’re the children of my children. You know, grandchildren.

PHELPS: But what do you see? What’s happening on the surface?

KIRK: Well, I’m standing at the corner of a busy intersection in downtown San Francisco.


KIRK: And… I see some cars. And some people are walking down the street. Oh, and there’s one of those trolleys!


KIRK: And it looks like there’s a line at the sushi bar.

PHELPS: And what of the wrath of the Almighty?

KIRK: There are a couple of guys holding hands at a café, and one of ’em has a poodle with a pink ribbon on its head.

PHELPS: Oh, my heart! I knew this would happen! What’s become of the families?

KIRK: The families? Um, I see some at Baskin-Robbins. A couple more look like they just came from a Giants game. It’s a beautiful day out here.

PHELPS: Whole families? You mean like a mother, a father, and one or more children, the way God intended it?

KIRK: It looks that way, yes.

PHELPS: But it’s been five years!

KIRK: Five years? What do you mean?

PHELPS: Since the amendment! Since international faggotry cast its pall over this once glorious nation of ours!

KIRK: Ohh! That thing! Turns out that wasn’t such a big deal after all. I don’t think my own life has been affected in the least. In fact, I don’t think it has affected the life of anyone but homosexuals who are now legally allowed to wed.

PHELPS: Tell me, my son, how many people do you see in ungodly relationships with animals?

KIRK: Um, like, right out here on the boulevard?

PHELPS: Yes! Don’t spare my feelings, son! I need the truth!

KIRK: Well, no one, actually. Wait. Oh, never mind. That’s just a mounted policeman. In fact, no one is having sex at all out here — not even with other people.

PHELPS: Really?

KIRK: Yeah.

PHELPS: Well… uh… Surely the AIDS has gripped the nation at large! Does the blood of the fornicators run red in the streets? Has the Lord seen fit to spare the righteous few who were willing to stand up to the fags and the fag sympathizers?

KIRK: Actually, after President Romero increased funding for AIDS research by 500 percent a few years ago, scientists found a cure. The disease has been eradicated the world over. Don’t you get any news down there?

PHELPS: Kirk! You must listen to me! Come to my church! I’ll take the chance and open the airlocks for you and your family, and you can join us down here in the last holy space under God’s creation! Together we can establish an underground paradise that we will then populate with a new race of spiritual warriors, and we will lie in wait until the time when our Lord sees fit to return to this godforsaken planet, then we will emerge and crush the heathens with the sword of righteousness!

KIRK: Um, I think the ferry is about to leave, so we really need to get over to the docks. I’m glad to hear you’re doing OK, though. Give my best to the family.

PHELPS: Kirk! Kirk! Wait! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Phelps’s head explodes

posted by Maven Swift at 10:26 PM


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