Don't Stop the ACLU

Thursday, June 29, 2006

You mean I don't get unlimited power?

Before I begin today, I have an announcement to make: Her Majesty, in her infinite wisdom, has seen fit to grant me the rank of Major, my second promotion in as many years. Let me just say that I am honored that the Crown has taken notice of my ongoing philanthropy and loyalty to the empire. Shalom, my sista. Now on with the show...

From NYT: The Supreme Court ruled 5-3 today that the Bush administration must put an end to military tribunals set up to try terrorist suspects at Guantánamo Bay. Chief Justice Roberts recused himself since he had ruled on the case as an appellate judge last year, but I'll bet you can guess who voted which way among the rest (Hint: The Godfather, the Quiet Man, and the New Guy were in the minority). The Court ruled that administration's kangaroo courts violated both American military law and the Geneva Conventions.

President Bush had this to say: "[T]he Hamdan decision was the way forward. ... The ruling won't cause killers to be put out on the streets. I'm not going to jeopardize the safety of the American people." Oh my stars! I think he actually gets it! He understands that the Court isn't telling the administration to empty Guantánamo Bay onto the streets of New York City; but rather, they're asking that the rule of law be upheld when these suspected terrorists are brought to trial.

To recap: No, you can't arbitrarily decide how to try suspected terrorists. Yes, you may continue to hold the suspects. No, please do not release the suspects from prison.

It sounds to me as though the Supreme Court made the correct decision. The rule of law is a cornerstone of any functional democratic society, and whether we're trying petty criminals or terrorists, certain rules must be followed. To do otherwise would undermine our core values. The big question that must now be answered is if these suspects won't be tried by military tribunals, then how will they be tried?

Already some in Congress are saying, well, use the military tribunals anyway! Senators Lindsey Graham and Jon Kyl issued a statement saying that they "intend to pursue legislation in the Senate granting the Executive Branch the authority to ensure that terrorists can be tried by competent military commissions. Working together, Congress and the administration can draft a fair, suitable, and constitutionally permissible tribunal statute."

This ruling has some people running around and smacking into each other like children hopped up on Pixie Stix. I won't go through all of their whiny and hyperbole-laden rants, but I'll just highlight a couple of my faves:

Jay at Stop the ACLU goes off thusly: "It is celebration time for the left, as Al Qaeda terrorists now have 'protections' via the Geneva Conventions thanks to the US Supreme Court." I hate terrorists as much as the next guy, but are they really so different from more traditional enemy combatants that we should strip them of their rights? A war is a war, and the same rules should apply across the board.

And a cat called AJStrata added this: "Well, if we can't try them without exposing more national security details to the enemy through (our? their?) the press we will just have to kill them. Bring on more virgins! Maybe we should just release them and hope they have learned their lessons? It may be less dangerous than exposing our defensive programs and efforts in court." A few words for ya, bub: sequor, sequi, secutus sum. Anyway, well done, sir. You managed to slip in a couple of opinions on issues that are somewhat related while calling for the wholesale execution of suspected terrorists, and I think that bit about releasing terrorists is one of them straw man thingies that Internet folk have grown so fond of using. Note to everyone reading: Please check yourself before posing silly arguments. How do you people sleep at night when you're pleading for executions and kinda-sorta lying about everything?
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 2:47 PM | link | 0 comments

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The Onion strikes again

They win.

Update: Also this.

Oh, politics... You are so silly sometimes.
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 9:46 PM | link | 0 comments

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Gay, drunk, retarded - What's the difference?

If you ask the Pentagon, they'll tell you, "Oh, nothin' much." Offering further proof that the U.S. government and, I don't know, 75% of the population hates gay people, a recently uncovered Pentagon document lists homosexuality as a mental disorder similar to mental retardation and alcoholism. This isn't some relic from the Vietnam era, either; it was re-certified in 2003. How lovely this is to hear. As if the military policy on homosexuality isn't demeaning enough (you know the policy - the one that says you're not allowed to be gay), now they're telling homosexuals that, in essence, they're on par with drunken retards.

What is it with people misunderstanding homosexuality so thoroughly? It's not very complicated. They won't just start fucking in the middle of a battle or on the courthouse lawn. They won't rape you or your children. They hate AIDS as much as you do. They want to get married, but for some reason you won't let them. They're just like you, except they have different tastes. You like Toby Keith; they like Celine Dion.

Here's what I'll ask you to do: Ask one of your gay friends or find a random gay person if you don't have any gay friends, and ask him or her what it's like to be gay. My guess is you'll get an explanation that goes something like this: "Oh, my life is pretty much the same as yours, except my apartment is cleaner." If they don't mention how the majority of the world's population thinks they're inferior to heterosexuals, it's only because they're too polite to bring it up.

Seriously, America. Knock it the fuck off; quit acting like it's 3,000 B.C.; and get over yourselves.
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 10:35 PM | link | 4 comments

Monday, June 19, 2006

An open letter to Gribbit

My Dearest Chum,

Would that I could leave my reply as a comment on your weblog, but as you well know, my compatriots and I abused said privilege to such an extent that you were forced to deny it forthwith. Please accept my profoundest, most heartfelt apologies for forcing you into such an unenviable position.

I also wish to extend my apologies in re my absence at the skirmish you scheduled for six o'clock post meridiem, the seventeenth of June, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand and six at Public Square in the noble hamlet of Cleveland, Ohio. I beg your forgiveness and wish to offer you a full explanation for my absence. You see, my fidus Achates, for the following reasons I was unable to attend our soirée:
  1. Since the age of eight I have been confined to a wheelchair, after my legs were so selfishly taken by a man operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol.
  2. Furthermore, I lost the use of my arms to the palsy at the age of thirteen.
  3. Furthermore, I lost the remainder of my voluntary muscle functions to a nasty bout with the amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. I type this letter to you only with the aid of a NASA-designed computer that I control with concentrated bursts of air from my mouth through a specialized tube, which then converts the bursts to electrical signals.
  4. The body of my beloved ten-year-old niece, Tabitha, is riddled with the cancer from brain to foot, and in the evening I sit at her bedside at St. Jude Children's Hospital and comfort her during her remaining weeks. A mere smile on that courageous girl's face is enough to light a million stars for a million years; that is how special she is.
  5. My local pub offers two-for-one pitchers of ale on Saturday evenings between the hours of five o'clock and seven o'clock.
  6. My sister Karen, Tabitha's grieving mother, finally succumbed to the agony of watching her firstborn suffer, and she hanged herself with a garden hose from the limb of a weeping willow. A lesser man would call that ironic.
  7. The United States was competing against Italy in the World Cup football tournament. The match lasted until five o'clock, which rendered it impossible for me to travel to Cleveland in time for our scheduled meeting.
  8. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ, made it very clear how he feels about senseless violence. To engage in combat with you would run counter to all that I hold dear.
  9. My lovely wife, Sharon, had her twenty-seventh abortion - some parts of me still work, if you catch my drift! - on Saturday evening, and as I had been for the first twenty-six, I was at her side for the procedure. As much as I would love to have children of my own, my physical condition prevents me from supporting them.
  10. I had a terrible case of diarrhea.
Again, I hope you will forgive me my absence and understand that were it not for extenuating circumstances, I would have been in Cleveland at the appointed time. I certainly hope you enjoyed your steak.

Yours in Christ,

Capt. Mortimer T. Rational XXXIV
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 1:55 AM | link | 0 comments

U.A.D.: M.A.D. for the modern generation

I'm calling off my blogging hiatus on account of Ms. Maven Swift having to write a shitload of shit for work this week. In her absence, I have to keep the wheels turning, but I figure she owes us all about a dozen posts at this point, don't you think?

I come to you this evening with an important message, one I've discussed previously on this site: Calm the fuck down! While I was making my nightly rounds of respectable news websites, I found this, this, this, and this. We're now engaged in doomsdayism on two fronts: Iran and North Korea, but just because a couple of countries who don't like us have le bombe atomique and now the means to deliver it doesn't mean we're on the brink of World War Whatever (III, IV, V, or VI, depending on whom you ask). While mutually assured destruction was the best deterrent we had during the Cold War, now we have something even better: unilaterally assured destruction. Excuse me if I sound like a right-wing war hawk, but the fact that we have about 10,000 nuclear weapons and our enemies have something like four - take the under if you're betting - gives us a slight advantage. The powers that be in Iran and North Korea know full well that if they launch a nuclear weapon at any other nation in the world, their destruction is assured. Since so much of what is written on the Internet is misconstrued, and I don't want to be considered a warmonger, let me elaborate:

1) Nuclear weapons are 100% bad, and they should not exist.
2) At this point it's impractical and dangerous to completely disarm.
3) Nuclear weapons should only be used as a last resort - a f'real last resort, not a war in Iraq kind of last resort.
4) Once democracy has been spread throughout the world - but not by violent means, mind you - then we damn well better disarm across the board.

So everyone just needs to drink some beer, smoke some dope (if that's your thing), and chill out. Nukes aren't going to be raining from the sky, so let's trust that the people who need to take care of this are taking care of this and talk about more important things like the World Cup, the resurgence of the Detroit Tigers, or Phil Mickelson's monumental choke job in the U.S. Open.
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 12:15 AM | link | 2 comments

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I calls 'em as I sees 'em

Last time I'll comment on this bullshit - I swear! I would leave a comment for Gribbit on his site, but I got my account there deleted because I signed up for an account there after he challenged me to sign up for an account there. Signing up constitutes grounds for removal, I guess.

Anyway, for a second time Mr. Gribbit has threatened me with physical harm. He writes:
However, should you want to settle this face to face, I’m game. Register for Blogging Man 2007, I’ll be there. We can take a walk out into the desert and have it out. And Corporal Irrational, you can have your broken jaw if you like. But I assume no responsibility for your injuries. I don’t fear you. I choose not to lower myself to your moronic level.

Huh? So the deal is you punch me in the face, but you can't be held responsible for punching me in the face? I don't think that's the way the law would look at it. You can't, like, say, "I'm gonna steal your car, but you can't hold me responsible for stealing your car," and then steal my car. I don't think an analogy is even necessary in this case, but I'm such a fan of analogies that I couldn't resist. Gribbs, you're welcome to hit me if you ever see me in person, but rest assured that I'll press charges. By the way, how is physical violence on a higher level than harmless snarkiness? The mysteries keep piling up.

Look, all I want is for Gribbit to settle down and enjoy life. No matter where you live, the weather this time of year is beautiful. Go for a walk outside, snap some pictures of a magnificent sunset, and take a break from all this blogging nonsense we get wrapped up in.

As for me, I'm going on hiatus starting tomorrow. No more blogging for me for a few weeks. Life's too short for this shit (anagrams, motherfuckers!).

Toodles,

Capt. Mortimer T. Rational XXXIV
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 6:53 PM | link | 3 comments

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Wait... Did you just...? Huh? That doesn't even make any sense!

In a most ridiculously ridiculous display of ridiculocity, Mr. Gribbit has once again threatened me with harm of some kind. Back in March, Gribbit said he would break my jaw for calling him a liar after he lied, even though the proof that I called him a liar has since been deleted. Fast-forward to today, when Ed Brayton of Dispatches from the Culture Wars fame, one of the calmest and most rational bloggers you'll ever come across, confronted Gribbit (Part 2 here) about some less-than-true claims Gribbit made in a recent post. I won't go into the specifics of their exchange, but I suggest you read the whole thing on Ed's and Gribbit's sites (at least what hasn't been removed from Gribbit's site).

But how did I become involved? Well, I responded to a poll on Gribbit's site while I was reading his response to Ed. The question Gribbit poses is simple enough: "Has Gribbit Lied?" Since I've witnessed Gribbit lying, I chose "Yes." Big mistake! Or something... I'm now on Gribbit's shitlist along with 14 others who answered in the affirmative. I'm #10, just in case you want my IP address for some reason. Gribbit warns:

Morons voting that I've lied on my current poll. I never said that I wouldn't share this information. ... Notice... They didn't have the balls to register now did they? I'’ll get them.
Huh? This is so confusing! We just answered the question Gribbit asked, but I guess it was a clever trap designed to get the IP addresses of those who disagree with him. Why would he need our IP addresses, you ask? That's the big mystery. Why would he list them on his site? That's the other big mystery. Why would we register for his site? Mystery #3. What does "I'll get them" mean? One more mystery. Perhaps jaw-breaking is involved.

The only thing better than responding politely to dissent is to crush dissent swiftly and entirely and then threaten those on the periphery who are sort of but not really involved. Mission accomplished.

---

This last part is for Gribbit and no one else, so if you're not Gribbit, stop reading.

Gribbit, have you ever smiled? Laughed? Cried? Shown any feeling other than anger? The human experience involves a wide range of emotions, and each emotion adds its own unique flavor to life. Being angry all the time is like eating dry toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day for your entire life. It's unpleasant and unhealthy. I'm not asking you to be perpetually happy, because that's not healthy, either (Substitute "cotton candy" for "dry toast" in the above analogy). Let things come as they may, and react to them calmly. Some will make you happy; others will make you sad. Still others will make you angry. Take it all with a grain of salt, and don't forget to keep on smilin' through. Hang in there, buddy! Maybe instead of being a bulldog you could be a bulldog-golden retriever hybrid, with the strength and tenacity of the bulldog and the loving nature and silky coat of the retriever!
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 11:09 PM | link | 1 comments

Tonight Show Tussle

Ms. Maven sent me this link earlier today, and it definitely warranted a post. Rarely do the TV gods smile down upon us as brightly as they are today. [Disclaimer: I usually don't condone name-calling, but this is a rare exception.] Supreme Bitchface Ann Coulter and the legendary George Carlin will both be appearing on The Tonight Show tonight, and hopefully sparks will fly. Coulter earned her rep by spouting nothing but bullshit, and Carlin earned his by never tolerating an ounce of B.S. If all goes well, Ann will break down into tears while Carlin calmly puffs on a cigar and talks about cars with Jay.

posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 4:58 PM | link | 0 comments

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The will of the people

Hey, kids! It’s time for yet another thrill-packed round of THE ANALOGY GAME. Today’s starting point? Comment #16. Especially the part that goes, “…no homosexual is having his rights trampled on. They can marry just like heteros. Its [sic] just that they have to marry women, not men.”

Oh, snap! Let’s see if that statement can withstand the awesome power of the analogy.

Ready? Here goes:

Like many red-blooded patriots, I dislike affording special rights to whiny minority populations.

I’m looking at you, lifelong wheelchair users.

Why don’t you just walk? You have legs, and you’ve never injured them even once. You expect me to believe you couldn’t go for a stroll on those pristine legs of yours if you really wanted to? I was born at night, cousin, but not last night. I know a pair of legs when I see one, and unlike those fucking godless lunatics who study the biological sciences, I will not coddle or encourage you.

Walking is excellent for your health, and a sedentary lifestyle has been shown to increase one’s risk for diseases of all kinds. You are depriving yourself (and those who would emulate you) of the God-given right to good health and should therefore be discouraged and dismissed as often as possible.

Which is exactly why I am circulating this petition to ban all wheelchair ramps on public buildings and halt construction of elevators in buildings that only have stairs.

Hey, listen, I’m a good American and I believe in equality, so I hope once you stop whining about not having gotten your way, you’ll realize I did this for the greater good. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy activities on the upper levels of elevatorless buildings. Go to the opera and sit in the balcony. Please, I want you to enjoy all the same freedoms I do, because that’s what our Founding Fathers risked their lives for.

But you’re just going to have to learn to use the stairs like everyone else.
posted by Maven Swift at 11:11 PM | link | 0 comments

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Reason prevails ...

... by a wafer-thin margin.

Obviously, we here at DSTA are glad Congress thumbed its collective nose at the proposed marriage-defining amendment today, but I for one am not impressed. Yeah, yeah, I know, they would have needed two-thirds for it to go anywhere, but that's still too slight a majority for my liking. Call me a pessimist, but what the figure means to me is not that the American legislative branch is a shining beacon of tolerance and love that gave the official smackdown to homophobics everywhere, but that nearly half of these guys voted *for* the amendment. It means a significant portion of the population will continue to be marginalized and hated and feared in this country for years to come -- if not by everyone, at least by a good big chunk of people.

It's tempting to blame organized religion for this, but I won't do it. It doesn't take an organized religion to produce a hateful (or frightened or suspicious) person who claims friendship with a higher power.

Sometimes it just takes a mother and a father.
posted by Maven Swift at 11:01 PM | link | 1 comments

6/6/06, To Hell and Back

"Woe to you, oh Earth and sea,
For the Devil sends the beast with wrath,
Because he knows the time is short.
Let him who hath understanding
Reckon the number of the beast,
For it is a human number.
Its number is six hundred and sixty-six."

--Iron Maiden (or maybe it's the Bible, depending on whom you ask)

Yesterday, June 6, 2006, was a day of great significance in our culture... or something. It was somewhere between a regular day and a holiday... or something. I don't know what it was, really. Actually, I think it was nothing, but no matter: Thousands of people turned up in the tiny, tiny hamlet of Hell, Michigan, to celebrate whatever it was we were celebrating. The city of Hell literally consists of three buildings: a liquor store, an ice cream shop, and a bar. Population: 72. That's it. So what drew 10,000 people to the middle of nowhere? Shit, I don't know. I was there to observe, and here's what I found.

This sign is on the side of Screams, the ice cream parlor. I think the little devil pictured is 75% retarded.

An interesting take on the such-and-such place is over there sign.


A view from the parking lot of the Dam Site Inn. "Damn Site" would be a much cooler name, but they went with "Dam Site," because, well, there's a dam right behind it.


About 50% of the attendees were bikers from various biker clubs/gangs. Another 25% were Goth teenagers, and the remaining 25% were regular old families from the suburbs and business types from Ann Arbor and Detroit.

Oh, and this guy. Of the three preachers I encountered in Hell, he was by far the nicest, but that's not saying much. He was a dick to be sure, but at least he didn't tell me I was going to the other Hell (the one with all the fire!).


Another Christian gentleman posed this question. I chose a combination of B and C.


The dorkiest bunch of atheists I've ever encountered. Still, wherever the Christian guys went, the atheists stood in front of them and unfurled their banner, which was quite amusing. The entire time I never heard a single one of them speak.


Moses was hangin' with the atheists! And he brought his video camera!


Can you find the Christians in this picture? (Hint: There are two of them.)


If you're going to rename Portage Creek, call it the River Styx, for chrissakes!


Two of the four horses of the Apocalypse. (Not pictured: the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.)


This poor unfortunate child was run over by a hearse. Oh well.


Speaking of hearses, the Hell, Michigan, Hearse Club was in town!


The ghost of Elvis made an appearance and performed AC/DC songs on an acoustic guitar. Surprisingly, he was pretty good.


I'm not sure what this guy was supposed to be. I think he might be a long lost member of GWAR.


There's a churchy kinda thing in Hell! It's about the size of a closet, and there's nothing inside. I heard they were going to host a few weddings there later in the day, but I didn't stick around for that.


Right after I took this picture, this little dude was sacrificed to Satan, and we drank of his blood. It was very refreshing, and it was free! Can you believe they wanted $8 for a bottle of baby's blood?


This gentleman and his assistants were by far the highlight of my day in Hell. He spewed the most magnificent venom at everyone in the crowd. He pointed out individuals who were drinking beer, smoking, or just standing there and told each and every one of them that they were going to burn in Hell for eternity. What a nice fellow. Shit, I'm a better Christian than this guy, and I'm not even a Christian. (I got a little video of this guy, and once I get around to firing up Premiere, I'll edit it and post it to YouTube.)


The man's wife, standing idly by holding a Bible and watching the couple's infant child (good luck in life, kid), looked bored with the whole thing, but she would later prove me wrong on that account.


An angry biker chick gets all up in his face, much to the delight of the crowd. It was impossible to hear what she was saying over Dickhead's bullhorn, but it was amusing nonetheless.


The fellow in the orange Tennessee hat, while likely drunk, provided some biting commentary without even opening his mouth. He started by standing about two feet in front of the bullhorn and feigning interest.


He stepped it up by spending several minutes walking in circles around the loudmouth, never once cracking a smile.


Finally Mrs. Dickhead took over, and her hatred was far more potent. Not only did she say we were all going to Hell, she also said that God hated us. Paraphrasing: "The Bible doesn't say anything about God loving you. If you live in sin, you hate God, and God hates you." That's not what I learned in church as a kid, but if you say so... (Note the young man in the hat at far left talking to Dickhead. As Dickhead told us later, the young man tried to reason with him by explaining that he was a Christian himself. Dickhead wasn't buying it, however. He said the man was a fake Christian and that he was going to Hell for drinking beer.)


Finally, this wacky old man summed up how everyone felt about the whole deal.
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 3:38 AM | link | 2 comments

Monday, June 05, 2006

That's right!

We're not suckling at the teat of Crooks and Liars or anything, but I just had to link to this. Listen carefully to the last three lines, which pretty much sum up how any rational individual should feel about sexuality and all that comes with it:
It's nobody's business, right?

That's right.

OK, thank you.
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 9:22 PM | link | 0 comments

The louder they yell...

...the more they lie.



I first spotted this on Crooks and Liars. Keith Olbermann deftly points out how Bill O'Reilly slanders American soldiers, lies, repeats the same lie, and lies again when he gets called on the lie. On top of that, FOX News later doctored a transcript of Bill's show to cover up his lie. And all of this just to rationalize what happened at Abu Ghraib and what allegedly happened in Haditha. To paraphrase Jon Stewart, I can't tell if that's the fairness or the balance.

FOX viewers, please listen: I'm not asking you to change your opinion on any political issue, but please, please stop watching Bill O'Reilly. The man is a menace. If you have to watch it, watch it like you would watch professional wrestling.
posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 12:35 PM | link | 0 comments

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Y2Gay: a prophesy in one act by Maven Swift and Captain Rational

Dramatis Personae:

ANTHONY ROMERO — president of the United States of America

KIRK CAMERON — evangelist, former child actor

FRED PHELPS — preacher, bigot

Year 2015. Pres. Romero seated at desk in Oval Office

ROMERO (into TV camera): My fellow Americans, it is with great pleasure that I announce the ratification of the Equal Right to Marriage Amendment of 2015, which guarantees the right to marry for every American who has reached the age of majority, regardless of race, creed, and yes, even sexual orientation. This event marks the end of a long road to equality on which myself and many of my fellow Americans have traveled for so many years. In order to celebrate this momentous occasion, I and several of my homosexual brethren will be wed tonight in a ceremony at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, presided over by Pope Ellen I. To the love of my life, Raoul Garcia-Marquez: We did it, baby! May the god or gods in which you believe continue to bless America, or, if you do not believe in a higher power, may you find the strength within yourself to constantly strive toward the betterment of mankind.

Year 2020. A bunker two miles below a church in Topeka, Kansas. Phelps sits at a Formica table beneath a bare light bulb

PHELPS (into phone): Kirk? Kirk, are you there?

VOICE (KIRK, through receiver): I’m here, Fred.

PHELPS: Oh, thank goodness you’re still alive. Listen, I’m really sorry you didn’t make it to the bunker in time, but we had to seal the doors. We were afraid the faggoty air would scorch our godly lungs. I know it’s been a while, but it’s taken this long to get the phones up and running. How’re you holding up out there?

KIRK: Um, I’m actually doing alright. Chelsea and I are taking the grandkids to see Alcatraz today. Chels says hello.

PHELPS: Grandkids?! How is that possible?

KIRK: Uh, they’re the children of my children. You know, grandchildren.

PHELPS: But what do you see? What’s happening on the surface?

KIRK: Well, I’m standing at the corner of a busy intersection in downtown San Francisco.

PHELPS: And?

KIRK: And… I see some cars. And some people are walking down the street. Oh, and there’s one of those trolleys!

PHELPS: What?

KIRK: And it looks like there’s a line at the sushi bar.

PHELPS: And what of the wrath of the Almighty?

KIRK: There are a couple of guys holding hands at a café, and one of ’em has a poodle with a pink ribbon on its head.

PHELPS: Oh, my heart! I knew this would happen! What’s become of the families?

KIRK: The families? Um, I see some at Baskin-Robbins. A couple more look like they just came from a Giants game. It’s a beautiful day out here.

PHELPS: Whole families? You mean like a mother, a father, and one or more children, the way God intended it?

KIRK: It looks that way, yes.

PHELPS: But it’s been five years!

KIRK: Five years? What do you mean?

PHELPS: Since the amendment! Since international faggotry cast its pall over this once glorious nation of ours!

KIRK: Ohh! That thing! Turns out that wasn’t such a big deal after all. I don’t think my own life has been affected in the least. In fact, I don’t think it has affected the life of anyone but homosexuals who are now legally allowed to wed.

PHELPS: Tell me, my son, how many people do you see in ungodly relationships with animals?

KIRK: Um, like, right out here on the boulevard?

PHELPS: Yes! Don’t spare my feelings, son! I need the truth!

KIRK: Well, no one, actually. Wait. Oh, never mind. That’s just a mounted policeman. In fact, no one is having sex at all out here — not even with other people.

PHELPS: Really?

KIRK: Yeah.

PHELPS: Well… uh… Surely the AIDS has gripped the nation at large! Does the blood of the fornicators run red in the streets? Has the Lord seen fit to spare the righteous few who were willing to stand up to the fags and the fag sympathizers?

KIRK: Actually, after President Romero increased funding for AIDS research by 500 percent a few years ago, scientists found a cure. The disease has been eradicated the world over. Don’t you get any news down there?

PHELPS: Kirk! You must listen to me! Come to my church! I’ll take the chance and open the airlocks for you and your family, and you can join us down here in the last holy space under God’s creation! Together we can establish an underground paradise that we will then populate with a new race of spiritual warriors, and we will lie in wait until the time when our Lord sees fit to return to this godforsaken planet, then we will emerge and crush the heathens with the sword of righteousness!

KIRK: Um, I think the ferry is about to leave, so we really need to get over to the docks. I’m glad to hear you’re doing OK, though. Give my best to the family.

PHELPS: Kirk! Kirk! Wait! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Phelps’s head explodes

Exeunt
posted by Maven Swift at 10:26 PM | link | 0 comments

Friday, June 02, 2006

Marketing the Messiah


Marketing has become a lot more sophisticated since the days when Jesus roamed the Holy Land. The Man Himself did it with a pair of sandals, a smock, and a soothing, fatherly tenor. If only modern-day Christians would stick to that method, we'd be a whole lot better off... or at least a lot less annoyed. Now they've got their mitts on everything: the Internet, the movies, video games, minor league sports pre-game festivities. It seems that nothing is off-limits to them. The good thing about all that crap is we can avoid it if we so choose. We can visit other sites, watch other movies, play other video games, and not go to Hicksville Hicks football games.

But if there's one bit of proselytizing that we can't avoid, it's those goddamn GodSpeaks billboards. You know the ones we're talking about -- the stark white-on-black one-liners straight from the lips of the almighty. They first appeared in 1998 and have been fixtures on U.S. highways and freeways ever since, and a whole new wave of billboards appeared just last year. There are now over 10,000 of them nationwide, and you can't drive 50 miles without seeing one. The days when we could take a nice drive along the interstate with some great tunes and a pack of smokes without having religion forced down our throats are over.

We've always dreamt of posting our own billboards 50 yards down the road, telling the people the real story. Since we lack the millions of dollars that that would require, we'll just have to post our reponses to the inane God-quotes right here.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.

Maybe if you had free beer and Doritos and HDTV I would, but all you have to offer is bad music, preaching, and uncomfortable chairs.

C'mon over and bring the kids.

I'd sooner have my kids watch porn and smoke freebase with Ice T than take them to your place.

What part of "Thou shalt not..." didn't you understand?

What part of "Rhetorical questions don't win arguments..." didn't you understand?

We need to talk.

Sure! Gimme a call sometime. You should know my number. Just don't call before noon, because I like to sleep in.

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.

That sounds like an idle parent threat. Goddamnit!

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.

I don't recall inviting you to my wedding, and according to my state's constitution, I'm not allowed to marry you.

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant that.

You mean like protesting at soldiers' funerals and blaming feminists and gays for terrorist attacks? If so, hot damn!

I love you... I love you... I love you.

I heard that one before, but then he left me for that chick in the Whitesnake video.

Will the road you're on get you to my place?

You tell me. I just saw a sign that said "SLOW CHILDREN AHEAD."

Follow me.

That's what the Pied Piper said to those kids, and look how that turned out.

Need directions?

Actually I printed one out on Google Maps, but thanks for the offer.

You think it's hot here?

No, why, did you want to put the AC on?

Tell the kids I love them.

Three words: John. Wayne. Gacy.

Need a marriage counselor? I'm available.

The lady down at the clinic only charges $25 an hour. Can you get under that?

Have you read my #1 best seller? (There will be a test.)

I didn't read the book, but the movie was pretty good. But what's with that mullet? Am I right?

Do you have any idea where you're going?

Jesus Christ, man! Don't you listen? I just told you I have a Google map!

Big Bang Theory, you've got to be kidding.

Is that why Stephen Hawking is in a wheelchair?

My way is the highway.

Tar and reflective paint. If that's not godly, I don't know what is.

I love you…Te amo…I love you

Je ne parle pas d'anglais, d'espagnol, ou de chinois.

As my apprentice, you're never fired.

Except if I'm gay or I use birth control, right?

One nation under me.

You've really let yourself go, haven't you?

All I know is... everything.

I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 666...

If you must curse, use your own name!

Can't I just say "cuntrag" instead?

Life is short. Eternity isn't.

I could be wrong, but I think Nike has a trademark on that line.

It's a small world. I know... I made it.

What the fuck does that even mean?

The real Supreme Court meets up here.

You mean you have a tripartite system of government complete with checks to your executive power? Holy shit!

Feeling lost? My book is your map.

What page is Canada on? I wanna see the pointy tower!

posted by Maj. M.T. Rational XXXIV at 9:49 PM | link | 2 comments